I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize