we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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