please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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