Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Two words: nipple clamps
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