About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
