Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
