you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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