Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
