literally had 100 drinks last night.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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