Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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