I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
