here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
only if we run a train.
done.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
