I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize