if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
