Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize