look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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