I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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