Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
