I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
