Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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