Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
