My sheets look like a crime scene.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
