I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
