mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
