I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
