I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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