Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
