Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
