Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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