I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
