Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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