Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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