i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
