I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
