I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You ruined the universe
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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