You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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