can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
