I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
