I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need to calm my uterus...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
