He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
