i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
