Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
