Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I lost the right to judge tonight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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