And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
