i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
