Betty ford says i'm here all night
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
