I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
