Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize