ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
