this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize