he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
