he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
