turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
