I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
