I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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